i've been going through books like a fiend. i forgo going out for literature. i find out how wrong i've been, seeing everything in black and white, when there are so many shades of gray. and it's more about survival than searching for meaning. funny, living in the land of unlimited opportunity, where everyone is afraid of failure and death. i gave blood last week, just to know what it feels like. pure morbid curiosity, so to say, since i fear needles. it's funny to experience how people were bled for centuries to balance the humours. the difference is, they used leeches and cut wrists with razors. i want to know why a fall from any height is greater than the rise. i don't feel well anymore. these days i think of keeping a dream diary, since i don't sleep. it must be the dreams. and reading takes me away from all the thinking. it's more satisfactory than sleep.

sometimes, deja vu, my dreams appear before me in reality. when left to my own devices, i think and think. i have no desire to be around humans. it's ironic, knowing the solution to a problem, but being helpless. the difference between a muddled mind and clear thought. i enjoy that feeling, like a light switched on in my head. although, i am more prone to memory. hauntings of the past. in the middle of transylvania. it feels like i haven't slept in years. i feel so unsafe in the dark of the nights. crooked english.

it's frightening. it's four in the morning. i'm scared that something is happening to me. my body functions. but i don't sleep. my dreams are real. i see the world in muted color. i am letting people slip away. i'm not even sure that i care. maybe it's stress. olbi died. my father cried. i've been thinking about what manya said before she died. chaos. so much death. no reason to go to prague anymore. not for olbi anyway. i do this every year.